Today is National Suicide Prevention Day and I thought I should share something from my personal experiences. I understand people would discriminate against me once I let it all out but here it goes. There is nothing more important to me than the truth. Truth be told I am scared as I write all this down. I’m scared of what people might think of me.
I have been having suicidal thoughts ever since I gained a sense of ‘self’. I believe it has a lot to do with my past and some of it has to do with my genetics… maybe. The first suicidal thoughts I had and I recall was when I was around 12 or 13. I had been sexually abused growing up by my Qari. It continued for a few months or a year or so. I started losing friends. I had somehow isolated myself. I would walk alone at my school. It was this time I realized that even though I was alone physically, mentally I had so many people to talk to in my head. Eventually, I started giving those people in my head and those voices names and personalities. Some became my friends and others became my enemies.
But there was this voice that is always there at the back of my head telling me to kill myself. Initially, the thoughts were mostly of self-loathing and self-harm. Eventually, they turned into suicide ‘fantasies’. I hated the skin I was in because of being sexually abused. I used to imagine melting my skin away by burning it. I have also ‘fantasized’ to pour acid on myself so I can dissolve into it completely. I have also ‘fantasized’ about draining my blood by the ‘dramatic and cliche’ wrist-slitting. People have dream weddings and dream jobs and I have a dream of death since you only die once (YODO). My dream death is to disintegrate into really tiny pieces and disappear like they showed in the Infinity Wars. (haha!)
I felt like a loser because while in school, I was absolutely average. I saw people get distinctions and awards and I just sat there like I was capable of nothing. I struggled with the simplest of concepts. I was barely keeping up with English. I was close to failing.
Over time, the friends I made in my head saved me. The voices that told me to kill myself were drained by the voices that told me to live and have some goals and objectives. They told me all the good things I can do. One of the voices (or people in my head) prepared me for my O’levels Mathematics examination. To be honest, I didn’t think I could do it. My family didn’t think I could do it. In my Mock examination, I got an E at 52% but in my actual final exam, I got a whopping 88%. In one month, I turned my grade around! That was the first time in a long time I felt like I had the ability to do something more! I wasn’t just a loser! I was just as capable of doing things as other people were!
The same voices that made me weak in the beginning became my very strength. I had somehow befriended my mind. This isn’t a happy ending though. I’m not miraculously cured! I still have those thoughts. Sometimes when I’m walking, I want to throw myself off of a cliff. When I’m in the pool, I want to drown myself. When I’m in the shower, I want to slit my wrists and watch the red blood pour over the white-tiled floor until I lose consciousness. Every day, I have to fight it off. There are days I can’t so I choose to sleep for longer because it is physically draining to keep fighting it off. The other voices in my head help and drain out the one tiny voice that makes these suggestions. They help me keep fighting.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety or other mental health issues. Reach out to them and genuinely tell them something unique and encouraging about them! Remember not everyone wants to be reached out and that’s fine too. But please be kind always!
Shumaila Bhatti 